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Parent vs. Biological Parent
Posted By katie allison granju
One local stepfather is bemoaning the fact that his stepson’s father parents The Boy QUITE DIFFERENTLY THAN HE DOES:
The Boy’s biological father seems to be one of the least empathetic people running around on this planet. He can’t seem to figure out his own son. Of course, The Boy can be easy to figure in some circumstances, tricky to figure in others.
So what’s the consensus on step parents describing a child’s parent as a “bio mom” or “biological father”? As the mother of kids who also have a stepmother, I feel like my title needs no qualifier. I am their mother, pure and simple. I would find it insulting if someone referred to me as my kids’ “biological mother,” as that seems to imply I am in the same class as those “parents” who do little more than contribute DNA.
Your thoughts?
Dec 17th, 2007
I use the term to differentiate between the boy’s “real dad” and myself. It is not a critical reference in itself. I would never, though, refer to you as your kids’ “biological mom” for the legion of obvious reasons.
But I’ve noticed it as a trend - parents being referred to as “bio” by their kids’ step parents. There’s even a big debate about it here: http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=751935
My 2 cents: if a child’s parent is involved to even a minimal extent, that is that child’s mother or father, period. With no qualifier. And in this culture, “biological parent” has a pejorative connotation because of the way it’s traditionally been used.
Of course, that doesn’t mean that a child’s step parent isn’t a tremendously involved, loving person in that kid’s life, but I just find “bio parent” in the context of a step parent referring to a child’s parent as, well, Not Right.
And I say this, Mr. Step Dad Man with incredible respect for who you are and the relationship you have with The Boy. I just have a different perspective.
Yr pal-
KAG
>And in this culture, “biological parent” has a pejorative connotation because of the way it’s traditionally been used.
Er, what do you mean by that?
How has it traditionally been used, and in what way has it been used pejoratively?
Within the adoption triad it’s a perfectly accurate and acceptable way to refer to either the mother that birthed an adoptive child, or the father who, well, fathered the child.
I guess I have to comment here too. I have very eloquently told the story of how I became a “DNA Donor” for a wonderful 20 yr. old young man who grew up with a life that I could never have hoped to give him. Therefore, the tone here is to me insulting. The decision to place my child up for adoption was without a doubt the hardest I was ever faced with. Abortion, on the other hand, is easy, and over with much faster than 9 mos. and a C-Section later. So, when you say “parents who do little more than contribute DNA”, that sounds very flippant and derogatory to people like me. People who made a very painful decision, lived with that decision and the aftereffects that came with it, and then allowed someone to enjoy the gift of parenthood that they would not otherwise have been able to have. I believe that the purpose for the name that offends you is to try to simplify identifying the many faces that kids carry around as baggage. It’s normally not meant as a putdown, more as a differentiation between the two women in all those pictures. Perhaps it’s you who is overly sensitized about this subject. And, I speak at this point as the step-mom of a beautiful 16 yr. old. When I have volunteered at her school I have been met with amazement because I’m the first female parent of any stripe for our child that her school has ever seen. And to offer more explanation, her bio-mom was a SAHM for 15 years of her life but she was so self-absorbed that she could not be bothered to get involved at the school. Sad. But now she has me for competition and she’s trying harder, only because I made her look bad. So, please, consider that there are situations that are different when you make a blanket statement.
I think it’s sad that you see yourself as “competitition” for your stepchild’s mother. There is no competition. No one can replace a child’s mother and its unhealthy for a stepmother to be trying.
Let me be clear. I do not see myself that way (as competition for her). She (the Mom) does. I am very clear with everyone who I am in this child’s life,but I do care very deeply and I am involved. The Mother spent years absorbed in herself. She only took notice of her daughter and her many activities at the school after I asked for and received permission from the daughter to get involved at her school. I am not trying to compete, I cannot replace her mother and I do not want to but I will be involved because I care. The Mom only cares as far as outward appearances are concerned. And, to make the whole thing more ridiculous, now she tells her daughter that she would be able to do more if only Dad would not have made her have to go to work. Really? Then please explain again that whole 15 years of non-involvement? ‘Cause we’re not getting it. And also to be clear, my husband pays a huge amount of Child Support and Alimony, so he is doing his part. And, she is driving a new car, getting Botox injections, and constantly having work done on their paid-for home that she won in the settlement. So, she’s not suffering, but she tells the children constantly that their father has reduced her to poverty and she’s not sure how she’ll survive until her death. My husband completely lost his relationship with his Aspie son due to her lies and revision of history.
So, there’s my sad story. Everybody has ‘em! Life goes on, and we try to make a difference in our kids’ lives. I am not her mother. I am her friend. I am her listening post. I am happy with that.