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A Ragsdale re-imagining of the Gettysburg Address
Posted By katie allison granju
The Knoxburg Address
(Rendered with sincere apologies to the memory of Abraham Lincoln, our greatest president)
The mayor speaks:
Four score and one page ago, I brought forth to this county a new audit response, conceived in desperation, handsomely bound and dedicated to the proposition that all receipts are created equal, especially mine.
Now we are engaged in a great political war, testing whether that response, or any response so conceived can long endure without being turned over to the Attorney General. We are met here on a great battlefield of that war, the small assembly room, because it could only be booked for 30 minutes and I don’t want to answer questions.
We have come to dedicate a portion of this response as the final resting place for those who gave their livelihoods that I might survive. It is altogether fitting and proper that I should do this, because the Hospitality Fund audit is due any time now, and I need to seek out more scapegoats.
But in a larger sense we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow my audit response. The staff members – canned or still employed – who struggled on my watch have consecrated it far above my poor power to add or detract, at least until their lawsuits are settled or charges have been filed…
Mar 24th, 2008
That’s dead-on, drop-dead gorgeous satire.