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Knox County Commissioners under oath
Posted By katie allison granju
Referring to this story about Knox County Commission’s plan to consider a subpoena process that would allow them to question…certain people, KnoxBlab’s favorite political satirist is at it again:
Panel to consider self-subpoena process
“Now we’ll get to the bottom of us!” proclaims commissionFrom APB reports. Knoxville, TENN. After waiting almost nine months, the Knox County Commission now has a process detailing how to use self-subpoena powers that will allow the commission to put themselves under oath, require that they “produce their papers” and initiate contempt-of-court proceedings if they refuse to allow one another to interrogate themselves.
A mayoral spokesman, however, called commission’s plan “nothing more than theatrics. Which is cool — we love performance art. We just want in on it!”
The process will be considered at the May 27 commission meeting.
Commissioners want to call themselves to testify about grandstanding, wastefulness, violations of the sunshine law and questionable competency in general.
“We need to be able to bring ourselves under oath and ask ourselves questions about issues raised at County Commission,” Commissioner Victoria DeFreese said. “I think it’s the process that needs to be there. We have had subpoena powers but with false teeth if we did not come forward. For instance, did I or did I not talk to Commissioner Pinkston privately about a meeting on commission matters? If I can’t ask myself that under oath, we’ll never know the truth.”
County Law Director John Owings has said the power is included in the county charter but that there was no process explaining how to use it in such a way that commissioners could understand it. “We needed to dumb it down,” said Owings.
In a prepared statement, mayoral spokesman Dwight Van de Vate said, “In a commission setting, subpoenas and swearing of witnesses are nothing more than theatrics. It’s just a dog-and-pony show. And we take dog-and-pony shows very, very seriously, and we will be there, and there will be theatrics. As a matter of fact, you couldn’t keep us away. I mean, we’re all about theatrics. Did you see our press conference on the audits a couple months back? Nothing but theatrics. We kicked ass!…dogs and ponies, too.”
Commissioner Paul Pinkston, one of the more vocal proponents of using subpoena power to call himself to task, is one of several commissioners frustrated with the time it has taken to put the process together.
Last fall, Owings asked for more time because he was involved in defending commissioners’ dumbness in the sunshine act lawsuit. Asked why streamlining the subpoena process took nine months, Owings sighed, rolled his eyes, and said, “Have you ever tried explaining the sunshine law to this crowd? You might as well explain gravity to bricks. We had to dumb the process down. A lot.”
“Ever since, we asked about the sub-peenie process,” Pinkston said. “Right now, if we refuse to come, we can’t do anything about it. And I want to get me in front of myself and inquisigate ‘im! But I cain’t do no self-inquisigatin’ ‘lessin’ I got a process for goin’ about it.”
The power of self-inquisition is based on DeCartes’ famous formulation of “Cogito ergo sums,” meaning “I think there may be money involved” indicating that county commissioners usually come into self-awareness when they sense cash nearby.
However, in cases of commissioners who lack self awareness or really, awareness of much of anything at all, self-subpoenas may be issued to jolt them into consciousness.
The process provides:
– The right of the commission or its committees to put themselves under oath.
– The power to subpoena themselves “’til they’re all giggly.”
– That subpoenas shall be issued by Kinko’s or FedEx, whichever has more pliable employees.
– That subpoenas may require witnesses to produce “books, papers, documents or tangible things” that indicate intelligent life is lurking there somewhere.
– That commissioners may request “reasonable assistance” from the other commissioners for producing records that indicate intelligence.
“OHboyOHboyOHboyOHboyOHboyOHboyOHboyOHboy!” said Commissioner Pinkston, clapping his hands in undisguised glee. “We gonna inquisigate us ’til the cows come home. Then we’ll inquisigate them too!”
May 9th, 2008
Good grief! (apologies to Charlie Brown)
What I would really like to see out of this bunch of clowns (and that includes the County Mayor’s office, would be a mass resignation party.
All the commissioners and the County Mayor and his entire staff could line up, all say in unison; “We’re all sorry for the mess we’ve made.”, drop their resignations into a large box, and file quietly out the room.
We could combine this even with a new election to elect a whole new, term limited bunch of citizens to being to fix our problems.
Now THAT would be something worth attending! ;->